cruise control
Jul. 14th, 2021 10:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chescaltcGosh, I cannot tell you how slowly I'm moving through life right now. Like, I know I'm practically broke and financially unstable and have tuition and living expenses to worry about, but...I'm just having a moment y'all. Let me revel.
Lately I can't stop thinking about how my teenage self would react if she saw me now, and this never happens, but I just know she'd be proud of me. I mean 6 years ago I didn't even think I would be able to set foot in college again, not with the way I fucked up my transcript because I didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming family crisis (a thing I have regretted so much I don't think I ever got over it completely). Transferred schools, dropped out, essentially was in a pretty bad place where I couldn't even get a proper job because I didn't have a degree. And no school wanted to accept me because my grades were really, embarrassingly bad (mental health reasons, but that's not a valid excuse here). God if I didn't have art, if I didn't decide that I would get so good art schools might overlook my records (lol) I wouldn't even be here now. I practiced until I couldn't, 4 years later was on track to be a permanent concept artist for AAA video games like...my life was crazy. I thought that was it you know. Turns out I didn't like working for games very much, was essentially exploitation nation and I found myself stuck.
But I did graduate. I mean...it was 2020 and we didn't have a ceremony of sorts but I did get my degree, and I forget about that sometimes. That I have options. Hence, grad school.
And now? We went from graduation being a pipe dream to now working towards a career in art academia like...I cannot believe this is happening! Teaching has always been something I know I'm the right fit for but thought I blew all my chances for that to ever happen.
Now I'm just...I'm gonna go to UP-Diliman for fuck's sake!! Me!!! What even!!! The most prestigious school in the country!! That's freakin' Harvard here if we're talking local merit and I'm still in utter disbelief.
I'm just so content. Something that resembles happiness even. And it's weird and I can't explain it but I feel like the universe shifted and I'm starting to feel like I'm a real grown adult and not an aimless, wandering ghost. Everything fits and I'm on the right path. It's so crazy and I'm emotional and I can't even explain whatever-this-is but I'm grateful and I am taking my time goddammit! Can't believe I'm letting myself feel things for once. It's good. Wouldn't you know.
Lately I can't stop thinking about how my teenage self would react if she saw me now, and this never happens, but I just know she'd be proud of me. I mean 6 years ago I didn't even think I would be able to set foot in college again, not with the way I fucked up my transcript because I didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming family crisis (a thing I have regretted so much I don't think I ever got over it completely). Transferred schools, dropped out, essentially was in a pretty bad place where I couldn't even get a proper job because I didn't have a degree. And no school wanted to accept me because my grades were really, embarrassingly bad (mental health reasons, but that's not a valid excuse here). God if I didn't have art, if I didn't decide that I would get so good art schools might overlook my records (lol) I wouldn't even be here now. I practiced until I couldn't, 4 years later was on track to be a permanent concept artist for AAA video games like...my life was crazy. I thought that was it you know. Turns out I didn't like working for games very much, was essentially exploitation nation and I found myself stuck.
But I did graduate. I mean...it was 2020 and we didn't have a ceremony of sorts but I did get my degree, and I forget about that sometimes. That I have options. Hence, grad school.
And now? We went from graduation being a pipe dream to now working towards a career in art academia like...I cannot believe this is happening! Teaching has always been something I know I'm the right fit for but thought I blew all my chances for that to ever happen.
Now I'm just...I'm gonna go to UP-Diliman for fuck's sake!! Me!!! What even!!! The most prestigious school in the country!! That's freakin' Harvard here if we're talking local merit and I'm still in utter disbelief.
I'm just so content. Something that resembles happiness even. And it's weird and I can't explain it but I feel like the universe shifted and I'm starting to feel like I'm a real grown adult and not an aimless, wandering ghost. Everything fits and I'm on the right path. It's so crazy and I'm emotional and I can't even explain whatever-this-is but I'm grateful and I am taking my time goddammit! Can't believe I'm letting myself feel things for once. It's good. Wouldn't you know.
